I’ve been very hormonal this week! I’ve also been dry heaving and have had sciatic pain in my lower left hip. I had some pretty intense migraines during week 1) but as of right now they have slowed down. I’ve been very tired the past week and I’m ready to tap out by the time mike is home.
If I’m in a lose shirt you can’t really notice a bump but if I wear a fitted shirt there’s a small bump that is finally noticeable.
We have a high risk appointment tomorrow and my emotions are all over the place about it.
I can’t stop thinking about wanting another. We will not have another naturally but I think I’m
Opening up to ivf or adoption..
Monday, July 8, 2019
Sunday, June 30, 2019
16 weeks 4 days
It’s intetesting to see my stats from last go
Round. I was up 12-15 pounds at this pound last time but only weighed 170-173 whereas this time I’m up six pounds and I’m 180. I gained 4 pounds this month and I’m hoping I’m on track I actually feel really swollen and uncomfortable with myself at the moment.
Like last time I’m also having an emotional time. I actually almost cried at a mean face a cashier gave me this morning. Along with that I’m nauseated and threw up yesterday and have had a migraine since last night. I tried swimming but that didn’t do anything. I’ve beeb laying in bed the past two hours or so and my head feels better now. Do 16 weeks has been a rough week both times.
I’m feeling rather distant from Michael right now. I think it’s a self preservation thing after last time. Otherwise there’s no real need for that. Charlie is bringing me a lot of joy and I keep thinking how lucky I am to have him. I feel deeply appreciative to have him in my life. Again I’m guessing hormones and lasts two losses have something to do with these strong emotions.
I’m hoping to stay busy this week and do something to get some stress relief although with this low impact stuff I don’t know how much relief I’ll get.
I have the bedroom designed and I hope to get that going ASAP.
Round. I was up 12-15 pounds at this pound last time but only weighed 170-173 whereas this time I’m up six pounds and I’m 180. I gained 4 pounds this month and I’m hoping I’m on track I actually feel really swollen and uncomfortable with myself at the moment.
Like last time I’m also having an emotional time. I actually almost cried at a mean face a cashier gave me this morning. Along with that I’m nauseated and threw up yesterday and have had a migraine since last night. I tried swimming but that didn’t do anything. I’ve beeb laying in bed the past two hours or so and my head feels better now. Do 16 weeks has been a rough week both times.
I’m feeling rather distant from Michael right now. I think it’s a self preservation thing after last time. Otherwise there’s no real need for that. Charlie is bringing me a lot of joy and I keep thinking how lucky I am to have him. I feel deeply appreciative to have him in my life. Again I’m guessing hormones and lasts two losses have something to do with these strong emotions.
I’m hoping to stay busy this week and do something to get some stress relief although with this low impact stuff I don’t know how much relief I’ll get.
I have the bedroom designed and I hope to get that going ASAP.
Saturday, June 29, 2019
VTS, It happened again
I have been ok with the miscarriage this time. I had 3 years to wrap my head around what happened last time and completely changed my mindset prior to getting pregnant this time. I didn't want to have to change my mindset but for survival in case something did, I had to.
In this moment I feel vulnerable. I get very triggered seeing things about the process of vanishing twin. It brings back heart ache and fear and the thing is no one knows what its like. To think this very moment that baby is dead in me... its kind of a punch to the heart. But I don't think like that for the most part. The emotions do happen and I cant deny myself the sorrow because the fact is that is whats happening in my body and its the truth.
I have an appointment in 2 weeks. Ill be going in alone this time. I didnt think of it until now but theres a good chance the baby will have vanished at this point. I will be around 18 weeks. The last baby vanished at 19 and I saw him the week before there. Im still not sure he actually vanished or if he was grown over... Doesn't this sound morbid? Doesn't it make you uncomfortable to hear? Because it sounds psycho to me but like I said these are facts not emotions. This is whats happening in my body whether we like it or not.
Im not really sad... but I do fear the moment hes gone. Theres not much to say about it. Its just scary and sad mixed with gratitude and love. Its such a mind fuck.
Vanishing twin sucks.
In this moment I feel vulnerable. I get very triggered seeing things about the process of vanishing twin. It brings back heart ache and fear and the thing is no one knows what its like. To think this very moment that baby is dead in me... its kind of a punch to the heart. But I don't think like that for the most part. The emotions do happen and I cant deny myself the sorrow because the fact is that is whats happening in my body and its the truth.
I have an appointment in 2 weeks. Ill be going in alone this time. I didnt think of it until now but theres a good chance the baby will have vanished at this point. I will be around 18 weeks. The last baby vanished at 19 and I saw him the week before there. Im still not sure he actually vanished or if he was grown over... Doesn't this sound morbid? Doesn't it make you uncomfortable to hear? Because it sounds psycho to me but like I said these are facts not emotions. This is whats happening in my body whether we like it or not.
Im not really sad... but I do fear the moment hes gone. Theres not much to say about it. Its just scary and sad mixed with gratitude and love. Its such a mind fuck.
Vanishing twin sucks.
Friday, November 2, 2018
25 momths
At 25 months you just started having tantrums thus the past two weeks have been emotionally draining on me.
You love going in the pantry for snacks but don’t really eat anything but you keep going back!
You’re great at the playground and act like a real little boy not a baby anymore. You love to slide. You love being read to, playing with cars, drawing with street chalk and pushing cars.
You can say,:
1. Car
2. Where did it go
3. mom mommy
4. daddy
5. Eddi
6. nommies,
7. ar (drink)
8. eeth (teeth)
9. night night
10. help
11. wow
12. oh no
13. ball
14. boo bah (Bobby and any boy)
15. vroom
16. where’s the car
17. awe
18. arf
19 where’s Daddy
20 gone
21 all gone
22. daddy gone ( you said this when asking if he was gone for work)
23.done
24 beep beep
25. all done
26. there it is
27. hallo (hello)
You know your belly button and nose
You love going in the pantry for snacks but don’t really eat anything but you keep going back!
You’re great at the playground and act like a real little boy not a baby anymore. You love to slide. You love being read to, playing with cars, drawing with street chalk and pushing cars.
You can say,:
1. Car
2. Where did it go
3. mom mommy
4. daddy
5. Eddi
6. nommies,
7. ar (drink)
8. eeth (teeth)
9. night night
10. help
11. wow
12. oh no
13. ball
14. boo bah (Bobby and any boy)
15. vroom
16. where’s the car
17. awe
18. arf
19 where’s Daddy
20 gone
21 all gone
22. daddy gone ( you said this when asking if he was gone for work)
23.done
24 beep beep
25. all done
26. there it is
27. hallo (hello)
You know your belly button and nose
Saturday, July 7, 2018
7.7.18
My sweet little boy! Right now, you love carrrrs. You roll your r when you say it and must say "the car" 20 times a minute. We are thinking of putting up car decorations for you in your room,
You call Bobby, bah bah. You call me ma ma or ma. You love acting like a dog. Seriously, if I give eddie a treat your drop to the ground and mimic him.
You can say arf, moo, what’s that, where’s momma, Eddie, and other small sentences typically in the form of a question. You will say high when you want to high five. The other night Gigi blew you kisses and you did it back. I never have done that so it was cool to see you communicate that way back to her. You still love holding my face and saying ma, ma, ma. when you do this you wont let me look away and will turn my face back to you.
Your favorite book is old mcdonald because of the flaps. You really arent eating right now which is bothersome but you are drinking milk like a champ. Speaking of drinking we are having to order water when we go out because you will pitch a fit if you don't get it. And fits, woah we had to leave two restaurants in two weeks because you weren't having it.I started letting you play inside the playground at mcdonalds and chic fil a with bobby. I was horrified at first but you are doing great and having a blast. I took you alone one day and you must have gone down the slide 20 times by yourself.
You call Bobby, bah bah. You call me ma ma or ma. You love acting like a dog. Seriously, if I give eddie a treat your drop to the ground and mimic him.
You can say arf, moo, what’s that, where’s momma, Eddie, and other small sentences typically in the form of a question. You will say high when you want to high five. The other night Gigi blew you kisses and you did it back. I never have done that so it was cool to see you communicate that way back to her. You still love holding my face and saying ma, ma, ma. when you do this you wont let me look away and will turn my face back to you.
Your favorite book is old mcdonald because of the flaps. You really arent eating right now which is bothersome but you are drinking milk like a champ. Speaking of drinking we are having to order water when we go out because you will pitch a fit if you don't get it. And fits, woah we had to leave two restaurants in two weeks because you weren't having it.I started letting you play inside the playground at mcdonalds and chic fil a with bobby. I was horrified at first but you are doing great and having a blast. I took you alone one day and you must have gone down the slide 20 times by yourself.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Drums at the Library
Today we hard core partied kid. Well, sort of. By party I mean no Naps! We went to run errands and then I whisked you away to the library for a drumming demonstration. I felt kind of bad because you passed out in the car on our way over which is all of 5 minutes away. But I figured this is a good experience and you can nap after it :)
FYI kiddo, if you cried or looked miserable we would have left. I'm not that hardcore.
When we got there the library was packed! Tons of kiddos. We have been to several actual events now and this was definitely the biggest one. I wasn't sure how you were going to act at first because you laid in my lap and took a snack bottle!
Even though you were tired and not your complete self you did engage with some kids that just adored you and of course you ate it up :)
Anywho, you had a blast. It amazes me how attentive you already are. You totally rocked out on the maraca and a tambourine. People around us kept turning around to look at you because you were that damn cute!
and without rehashing what we learned and all of the drums we saw...thats basically it haha I just wanted to write this down so maybe one day it will help trigger a fun memory or you know, if you become some famous musician we can refer back to this and say where it all started. Either way works...
FYI kiddo, if you cried or looked miserable we would have left. I'm not that hardcore.
When we got there the library was packed! Tons of kiddos. We have been to several actual events now and this was definitely the biggest one. I wasn't sure how you were going to act at first because you laid in my lap and took a snack bottle!
Even though you were tired and not your complete self you did engage with some kids that just adored you and of course you ate it up :)
Anywho, you had a blast. It amazes me how attentive you already are. You totally rocked out on the maraca and a tambourine. People around us kept turning around to look at you because you were that damn cute!
and without rehashing what we learned and all of the drums we saw...thats basically it haha I just wanted to write this down so maybe one day it will help trigger a fun memory or you know, if you become some famous musician we can refer back to this and say where it all started. Either way works...
Meeting Twins
Today was the first time me and Charlie were confronted by twins. We were at the drum show at the library and a little boy and girl just started talking and loving on charlie. It took a minute for me to realize and then I asked... With pride the mother said yes while the two little ones grinned back at me.
My heart stopped.
I think it will be like this for the rest of my life.
For just a few minutes or maybe it wasnt even minutes maybe it was seconds but whatever amount of time it was a million little thoughts filled my head and played out in my mind. Me with two babies in my lap. Me and two babies taking the world in. The three of us playing with the other twins. Me grinning back and saying they are twins too!
When she said they were twins I had such a strong urge to say so is he! (with happiness and excitement). But I cant do that, can I?
There is two sides of twin grief. Part of me is so excited to say I have twins! I'm part of the club!
...While the other side mourns the loss. There is an indescribable happiness and sorrow with the loss of a twin. Some days I want to cry thinking about Gabe and Charlie while others I am sooooo thankful to have experienced that joy. While today I felt both emotions.
The grief and the what ifs went away just about as fast as they came and I went right back to what I was doing. No one probably even noticed anything. In fact, I was smiling and playing with the children while all this was going on in my head ...and my heart.
 |
| https://www.etsy.com/listing/194534334/loss-of-one-twin-art-download-girl-twins |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)