One year

I can't believe it's been one year. It doesn't feel like any time has passed. I was sitting on the couch drinking coffee this morning when I found myself thinking how excited about the life we were going to have with two, unaware what was to come in that silent room. It's crazy to think that is even possible. Literally everything changed in a matter of seconds.

I thought about it and I wanted us to be happy as a family today. I didn't want it to be a day of mourning but rather a day of love and remembrance. 

I did get a little emotional buying the flowers and balloons at the store. It came out of no where as does grief. Overall though I felt calm and peaceful.

I wasn't sure about the flowers. I was actually kicking myself for not making something out of them before we released them. But luckily the flowers didn't need any help in looking beautiful. 

They looked so beautiful. Michael threw his flower in first and that big yellow flower bounced on the water and began to slowly drift away. Then I placed mine in. I was afraid they would be washed ashore or pushed into a nook but they didn't. They floated together minus the first one I placed in the water, he stayed right where I put it. 

The flowers reminded me of the lotus flower and its story.

In case you weren't aware in Buddhism..

 "The lotus flower symbolizes rising from a dark place into beauty and rebirth, as this is exactly how a lotus flower grows. Lotus flowers grow directly out of muddy and murky waters and produce beautiful white and pink blossoms."

I found this to be a very peaceful experience. I was not  really thinking about anything. I was just there, in the present moment. I didn't have to force it. It just happened.

After the flowers we went to release the balloons. As we were walking to release the balloons Mikes popped. It worked out just fine because I that moment Charlie grabbed the string to my balloon and I decided we should let Charlie release the balloon himself.  

I know no one besides us remembered yesterday or at least no one talked to us about it. I guess thats how it goes with miscarriages. But we will always remember. There is no shame in love. Ours is unconditional and we are so grateful for the happiness we experienced even if was only a short time. And we our grateful that we can love this way.