I have been ok with the miscarriage this time. I had 3 years to wrap my head around what happened last time and completely changed my mindset prior to getting pregnant this time. I didn't want to have to change my mindset but for survival in case something did, I had to.
In this moment I feel vulnerable. I get very triggered seeing things about the process of vanishing twin. It brings back heart ache and fear and the thing is no one knows what its like. To think this very moment that baby is dead in me... its kind of a punch to the heart. But I don't think like that for the most part. The emotions do happen and I cant deny myself the sorrow because the fact is that is whats happening in my body and its the truth.
I have an appointment in 2 weeks. Ill be going in alone this time. I didnt think of it until now but theres a good chance the baby will have vanished at this point. I will be around 18 weeks. The last baby vanished at 19 and I saw him the week before there. Im still not sure he actually vanished or if he was grown over... Doesn't this sound morbid? Doesn't it make you uncomfortable to hear? Because it sounds psycho to me but like I said these are facts not emotions. This is whats happening in my body whether we like it or not.
Im not really sad... but I do fear the moment hes gone. Theres not much to say about it. Its just scary and sad mixed with gratitude and love. Its such a mind fuck.
Vanishing twin sucks.
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