Def not in present moment. I am not mediating or anything and even if I were to try I am just not in the state of mind.
Symptoms-right kidney pain, leg cramps
I had a scary moment this week. I have been having severe kidney pain and I woke up in extreme pain and started barfing in the middle of the night. I was actually scared but remained cool and has Michael call the doctor. I went to the doctor the next morning and he thinks I am having kidney stones! Oh joy! Lucky me though apparently kidney stones are suppose to hurt worse then birth if thats the truth then birth doesn't seem so bad after all!
I saw the baby and he looks great. He looked like total wild man and I really enjoyed watching him. Like every appointment I have had so far the extreme happiness is countered by sorrow. I found out that Alpha probably vanished this week although he could be behind Bravo and we just cant see him. But either way he is gone from our sight forever.
I am still having an extremely hard time with the loss. Honestly, finding out he vanished was just as heart wrenching as the day we found out he died. I guess now he really is gone.
I am crying probably once a week about him and usually on the way back from work in the car. I guess its because I have time to think... I am trying to keep my stuff together though and not cry in front of Mike so I sit in the car and compose myself before coming in. I don't want him to have to suffer more.
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